Ep #106 How To Be Authentic, Overcoming The Fear

This episode is all about cover coming the fears, embarrassment, and discomfort that hold you back from being authentic.

We all know what it's like to be judged or shamed simply for being your authentic self. I was just eight(ish) when my passion for the Princess Jasmine dress earned me shame rather than applause. This childhood encounter and similar episodes throughout my life taught me that authenticity often comes with a price. Today we're taking that embarrassed boy who loved a princess dress to an adult who finds joy in vibrant eyeshadow.

Fear of authenticity is a common thread uniting many of us. In this episode you'll learn to embrace the 'confident queer' in you through authenticity, acceptance, and self-love.

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• Episode Transcript

  Coach Alex Ray: 0:25

  Hello, my unicorns. Today we're gonna have a little chit chat about authenticity and, let's be honest, authenticity is not something that I really have to convince anyone of that it matters or it's important. I think we're all on the same page here that being authentic is important, but it's really fucking hard. It's so much easier than done, and I've struggled with being authentic my whole life really, and the example I want to share with you today comes from, well, just a week ago, so not even a week ago when this is published. I've struggled with authenticity in my life, not just about coming out as gay, but also really struggled with my gender and coming to understand my gender identity. I really like the labels of gender nonconforming and gender queer now, and these are things that I've struggled with since I was a little kid, but like really didn't know or understand or have the language for it. When I was a kid, the most significant memory I have of this is being about eight-ish years old, I think, and there was a family at our church who was hosting a barbecue at their house, and any of y'all who grew up in the church, y'all know how barbecue is important. Well, maybe this is also an east coast or southern kind of thing, I'm not really sure, but anyway, it's a big to do. When the church, you know, a family is having a barbecue, everyone comes over. It's a big fucking event, okay. So picture this I'm eight years old, they're hosting a barbecue, the family only has daughters, okay. And so I'm hanging out in the basement, me, the daughters, all the other kids were hanging out. We decided to do dress up, and I love dress up. Clearly, y'all know I love dress up. Now, as an adult, I was obsessed with it as a kid too, and I was so delighted to get to put on the Princess Jasmine dress. You know, princess Jasmine from Aladdin. Yeah, I looked fabulous, I felt fabulous, I was enjoying it, and I remember my dad called me up from the basement to introduce me to a new adult at the church and when I came up the stairs, my dad said this is my son, daughter Alex. Now, he thought that was an innocent joke at the time and I know that he didn't mean for it to have the impact that it had. We've spoken about this since as an adult now, and we've resolved this. I have a great relationship with both of my parents now. However, what a shit thing to say, and if you're a parent, don't say that shit to your kids. Don't say that shit in front of your kids. Don't even like, don't even say that shit. It just, it's really, it's so judgmental. And what I picked up on in that moment was oh my gosh, my dad is embarrassed of me, and so that really gave me an early childhood experience of someone being embarrassed. A lot of us struggle with authenticity because we fear being rejected or embarrassed or embarrassing others, and I can feel all of those. In that memory. I felt rejected by my dad. I felt embarrassed, like I had done something wrong. It was my fault for putting on this dress that I was feeling fabulous in. But you know, this guy that my dad was talking to, my dad was like embarrassed, was like embarrassed of me and introducing me. So I didn't. That was painful too. I didn't want to embarrass someone that I cared about. I didn't want to embarrass my dad. This experience we all have, experiences of being authentic and being rejected, and it shapes our perception of who we should be and how we should show up in the world, and it shaped my perspective of wearing clothes that I just delight in and presenting in a way that I delight in. I didn't want to do anything for the longest time. That could be perceived as girly, like I didn't want to paint my nails. I didn't want well, I mean, I did want to, but I didn't allow myself to paint my nails. I didn't allow myself to wear dresses. I didn't allow myself to wear anything that was glitzy and glammy. I didn't allow myself to wear makeup. I was afraid if it didn't have some kind of explanation to it then I would be embarrassed. I would embarrass others, I'd be rejected by others. So Halloween was a great time for me to play and experiment. I also remember when I did my first drag show, I had a big excuse that it was for charity and that allowed me to kind of play around with wearing heels and makeup and these clothes that were sparkly and fine and that I delighted in. But it kind of felt distant. I was able to excuse it, as you know. Oh, this isn't really me, this is a character. The truth is I enjoy it. And guess what? Nothing terrible happened. The world didn't implode. I didn't suddenly like lose my identity. Actually, I gained an understanding of myself. I gained identity. I felt so much more comfortable, so much more empowered, so much more delighted and excited by just presenting in a way that was authentic. So if you are working on being more authentic, I've got some advice for you. But first I wanna tell you about how I was able to realize this showing up for me recently. So I had again. I had a workshop less than a week ago, but I guess about a week ago by the time that you're hearing this, and the workshop, ironically, was on authenticity and I got coached just a couple hours prior to the event. And I'm so glad that I had that opportunity to talk this through with a coach, because I was kind of nervous and feeling uncomfortable for the event and I wasn't really sure why. And in that coaching conversation she helped me realize that it was related to that memory. My fear of authenticity was showing up there whenever, actually, I'm doing anything that delights me, whether it's dating, whether it's a workshop, whether it's dressing up, whether it's coaching in a way that feels really authentic and we're exploring gender and sexuality, oh my God, every time I'm doing things that delight me, I frequently I said every, and then frequently whatever, I would say frequently slash most of the time when I'm doing something that really delights me and lights me up, when it feels really authentic and free and empowering, I get scared, I get uncomfortable, I feel uneasy, I feel like something is wrong. And it wasn't until this coaching conversation last week that I discovered with her. Oh my gosh, it's all related to that memory. I'm afraid that if I'm too authentic then I will harm others or others will be embarrassed by me, and I don't wanna do that and I'm scared that they'll reject me. If I'm too authentic. Doing a workshop on authenticity, dressed as authentically and fabulous, in my purple fuzzy coat, jacket thing, with beautiful purple eyeshadow and some gorgeous highlight on my face, that was like oh, this is too authentic, am I really allowed to do this? It's scary as everyone going to reject me. So what I came to the conclusion in that coaching session was that doing this workshop was actually an experience or an opportunity, rather, to relive that experience. This workshop at any other time I'm doing something that delights me and feels super authentic is actually an opportunity to relive that memory and rewrite that memory. It's an opportunity to wear the dress, come up the stairs and this time everyone's celebrating with me, including my dad. Now, obviously I'm speaking metaphorically, otherwise I would love to have a time travel machine that we could actually go back and do this, but we don't. This concept, this idea of reliving the memory and rewriting the memory, gave me permission to be imperfect, because if everyone's gonna be celebrating with me at the top of the stairs, then I don't have to be the perfectionist I usually force myself to be. I don't have to clench my butthole in order to keep myself perfect. I don't have to flinch ahead of time out of fear of what they're gonna say. I could just decide. People at the top of the stairs are waiting to cheer me on. They're here to celebrate with me and I know that that is, at some level, delusional, but that's the delusion. I want to choose intentionally and I want to take this opportunity. For many of you, that is an unreasonable expectation at this point. I Understand that and I see you and I hear you and I don't know that I would have been ready to just embrace that as well as I did last week. It like If we rewound a few years, I would not be that quick to embrace that. It's because of this work that I do on my confidence, the same work that I lead my clients through, that I'm able to take that and and use that mindset so quickly. It wasn't a big leap for me, so it's okay. If you're not ready to take that leap of, oh, I can just rewrite their memory right, that's just sound so fabulous. On fun, you're like, fuck you, alex, that's unrelatable. I can't do that. Yet. It's okay and I understand. Could you use the second part that worked for me? Instead of trying to get rid of that fear, could you have compassion for that fear? Could you Step back and understand what it is you're afraid of, about being authentic? Do you have an old memory that's popping up? Do you have an experience that's informed your fear? Is there cultural norms, expectations, ideas that you have taken in over your lifetime that are keeping you afraid? And Can that fear, instead of you needing to get rid of it, could you make it like your little sidekick? It doesn't have to be wonderful, it can be a little ugly, okay, but like kind of cute, kind of kind of cute ugly, okay. The Workshop that I did ended up being Fantastic. I loved it and I wasn't worried, or maybe, if I did, I did have it like a few little worries and here and there afterwards, but I would say it was the least worried, the least anxious I've ever been about any workshop, and I wasn't flooded with thoughts of, oh my god, am I Like embarrassing, is something wrong with me and how I present. So how to apply this to yourself again? You don't have to use the same extreme. You may not be able to go to the extreme that I was able to go to, and that's only because I've had years of practicing this. Use the confident queer method. Remember one be willing to be uncomfortable. That's going to be your best tool here, because the more you avoid being uncomfortable, the more you push against it, the stronger it's going to be. So start with being willing to be uncomfortable. Embrace that fear or discomfort or worry that you have about being authentic. Ask yourself what is the bad thing that might happen if you are authentic, and ask yourself do you have any early memories of negative consequences from being authentic? This will help influence your understanding of why it is you feel the way that you feel and exactly what do you feel. How do you feel? Remember that you can use new situations as opportunities to rewrite the story. And how do you feel about the fear now? It doesn't have to leave. You can let that fear be your little sidekick, remember? I like to think about it like an ugly doll. Do you remember those things? I think they were big in the late 2000s, maybe 2010s, I don't know. But the ugly doll if you don't know what I'm talking about, just Google ugly doll. They're so ugly, but they're like, so ugly, they're kind of cute. You know what I mean? That can be the fear, the anxious. What if story that you have on the side can become your little sidekick. It doesn't have to go away. It can just be kind of like ugly and kind of like barking and biting at your ankles. Whatever, it's so ugly, it's cute. This is so much easier to think about than it is to practice. That's why accountability is so, so, so important, which is one of the most helpful things about coaching. Plus, when we work together, I'll help you with more customized tools to address your fears and discomfort and I'll help guide you to the root cause. Again, I wouldn't have been able to find this on my own, so please don't be embarrassed if you can't find it on your own. It's so helpful to have a guide with you who's able to ask you questions and investigate this with you and create a space where you feel safe to actually do that, and we can even practice these things in session. I have a trans client who is practicing changing their voice with me in our sessions, and I've got multiple clients who practice dressing different with me in session so they can practice showing up as their authentic selves. So if you'd like this kind of support to become more authentic, come work with me and, for the rest of you, I'll see you next Tuesday.