How to Bottom

A comprehensive guide to bottoming. Everything you need to know for your first time. And answers to all your frustrations if you've been bottoming for a long time.

So you want to bottom...

Hey, it's Alex.

I'm so glad you asked for help with bottoming. It's one of my favorite things to help people with!

This guide includes everything you need for successful bottoming, even the parts other bottoming guides skip (like how to help your body relax). In this guide you'll learn about fiber, douching, lube, stretching, and how to calm your nervous system so your butt can feel safe enough to open.

It's for first-timers and for anyone who's tried bottoming but found it painful. And if you've topped for years and you're curious about switching, it's for you too. Read it once all the way through, then use the checklist at the end before you play.

Some links in this guide are affiliate links. If you buy through them, I may earn a commission at no extra cost to you (you might even get a discount using my link).

Why "just relax" doesn't work

If you've ever been told to "just relax" while something or someone was trying to enter your butt, you already know how useless that advice is. Relaxing on command is impossible. For most of us, anal sex was never taught in sex ed (if we even learned anything besides abstinence).

Any tightness you feel when bottoming is your body trying to protect you.

You have two rings of muscle at your opening. The outer one, the external sphincter, is the one you can squeeze and release on purpose. The inner one, the internal sphincter, isn't under your conscious control. It's run by your autonomic nervous system, the same system that handles your heartbeat and digestion.

Diagram of the anal canal showing the inner ring (internal sphincter), the outer ring (external sphincter), and the rectum above them
Diagram coming: anal canal with labels for the inner ring, outer ring, and rectum
Diagram adapted from "Human anus" by Jmarchn (no-labels version), licensed CC BY-SA 3.0. Labels added by Alex Gay.

That inner ring responds to feeling safe and to slow, steady pressure. When your body picks up on a threat, it tightens. A threat doesn't have to be actual danger, it can be fear of pain or worry about making a mess.

What works is giving your nervous system enough evidence that it's safe to open.

Prep your body (douching)

Douching is for your confidence. Anybody shaming you for not being spotless is an asshole and you should tell them what I say, "There's a main function for this hole and a fun function for this hole. And sometimes the main one gets in the way of the fun one. Let's clean off and try again."

The most common reason for a mess is actually over douching. Stool isn't stored in the anal canal, and your rectum is usually close to empty until a bowel movement is on its way. (These are the parts where your partner is inserting). So most of the time, less prep works better than more.

Want to see where everything sits? Cleveland Clinic has a good diagram of the rectum and how it connects to your anal canal.

Start with fiber, a few days ahead

Fiber makes stool bulkier, so it tends to leave in one complete trip. That's why you've seen me in ads for fiber supplements like Peachy Clean (save 15% with my link https://peachymen.com/heyalexgay). Taking fiber daily does more for clean bottoming than anything else. Take it every day with plenty of water and follow the label. It takes a few days to work, so start ahead of time.

Please don't starve yourself before sex! If certain foods upset your stomach, skip those the day of. Otherwise, eat like a regular-ass human.

Douching the right way

Some people bottom without douching, especially for fingers and toys. But if you're here you probably wanna know how to douche properly:

  1. Use a small bulb (around 3 oz) with a slim nozzle. Big bulbs (usually 7+ oz) use too much water. (If you already own a big bulb, don't waste your money on a new one, just use half the volume of water for each fill.)
  2. Fill the douche with lukewarm water (never hot) and test it on your wrist. Your internal tissue is more sensitive and can burn more easily.
  3. Lube the nozzle (or spit on it) and ease it in slowly. Just the tip, you don't need to go deep.
  4. Squeeze gently, then wait about 10 seconds before you release the water into the toilet. Repeat.
  5. Stop as soon as the water comes out clear. That usually takes a few rounds.
  6. Give yourself 15 to 30 minutes before play so any leftover water can come out.
My pick The Better Bottoming Bulb by The Bottom's Digest · affiliate link

Cramping, bloating or struggling to get the water to run clear usually means you used too much water. When you fill your butt with too much water, it goes up past the "second hole" (rectosigmoid junction) into your sigmoid colon. Stool in your sigmoid colon hasn't finished firming up yet, so extra water can quickly turn it into a mudslide. If this happens, wait a few hours and try again.

Drawing of the intestines with the rectum, sigmoid colon, and the second hole where they meet labeled
Image coming: lower colon with "Second Hole" (rectosigmoid junction) labeled
Image: National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases (NIDDK), National Institutes of Health. Cropped, with a label added.

Don't use

  • Drugstore laxative enemas (like Fleet). They're designed to make you go 💩
  • Shower hose attachments, unless you can control the pressure and temperature. It's easy to push too much water too far, too fast. Shower attachments are best suited for intentional deep cleaning (i.e. to prep for fisting).
  • Cleaners like soap. Ouch! Just use plain water.

Prep your nervous system (5 minutes)

Most guides leave this part out. But it makes a big difference. Do this before solo practice and before partnered sex.

  1. Look around the room (30 seconds). Let your eyes move slowly and land on a few things. Name them in your head. This tells your body you've checked the space and it's safe.
  2. Lengthen your exhale (1 to 2 minutes). Breathe in through your nose, then out slowly, letting your exhale run longer than your inhale. Slow breathing with a longer exhale shifts your body toward rest.
  3. Find where you're bracing (1 minute). Scan from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet. Notice any areas you may be holding tension. Rather than trying to force yourself to relax, just notice the tension and invite it to soften when it's ready.
  4. Practice hole control (1 minute). Gently squeeze your booty hole, then let it go. Then go one step further and gently push out, like you're letting out a fart. That's called bearing down. Get to know the difference between squeezed, neutral, and dropped (pushed out). You'll use the pelvic drop (pushing out) during entry.
  5. Say what you're worried about (30 seconds). Pain, making a mess, disappointing your top, whatever it is. Say it out loud or write it down. If you're with a partner, tell them. A good partner will give you reassurance.

Get turned on first

Arousal helps your body relax, so penetration shouldn't be the first thing that happens. Kissing, dirty talk, a rim job, whatever gets you turned on and craving sex.

Putting it in

Lube: more than you think

Your rectum doesn't make its own lubricant. Use a lot of lube, and add more before you think you need it.

  • Silicone lube lasts the longest and tends to be the least irritating for anal. The catch: it can damage silicone toys. Always test on a non-insertable part of the toy first. If it changes the texture of the toy, it's not compatible.
  • Water-based lube is safe with every toy and condom, but it dries faster. Many contain ingredients that can irritate rectal tissue. The WHO's acceptable limit is 1,200 mOsm/kg, and most popular water-based lubes test between 2,000 and 6,000. Since most brands don't list this, look for ones labeled "iso-osmolar" or "fertility-friendly."
  • Hybrid is my favorite when silicone is not an option. Hybrid lubes are more likely to be toy safe (but not always). They last longer like silicone, and wash off easy like water-based.
  • Oil breaks down latex condoms. So only use for bareback.
  • Don't use anything that numbs or tingles. Numbing ingredients like benzocaine or lidocaine hide pain, and pain is how your body tells you to slow down. Also skip nonoxynol-9, a spermicide that irritates the lining.
My pick Überlube silicone lube · affiliate link My pick Ride Lube hybrid lube for anal · affiliate link

Practice solo first

Solo practice takes the pressure off. Nobody's waiting, and you get to learn what your body likes before anyone else is involved. Set aside at least 15 minutes for this.

Start outside your hole. Light, slow touch around your opening helps calm your nerves. If it feels too intense, press with a flat hand around the general area, then work your way closer to your hole.

The Clock Method (from Dr. Carlton)

  1. Insert just the tip of a lubed finger, about fingernail depth.
  2. Gently pull upward toward your belly for 3 seconds, then to one side for 3, toward your spine for 3, and to the other side for 3. Think north, east, south, west if that helps.
  3. Repeat that circle a few times.
  4. Go a little deeper and repeat. Stay at each depth for a few cycles before going further. You should feel your hole start to suck your finger in.

If this hasn't worked for you before, you were probably rushing through it.

Think of it like yoga. Someone who stretches every day warms up fast. Someone who hasn't stretched in months needs longer. Set the same expectations here, because your butt hole is a muscle too.

Entry: exhale and drop

When anything is about to go in:

  • Breathe out slowly.
  • Gently bear down (the drop/push out you practiced) as the penis or toy enters. Pushing out sounds risky, but it helps the muscles open.
  • Let your body set the pace. Positions where you're in charge, like riding, make that easier.
  • Pause once the penis or toy is in. Let your body get used to the feeling before any thrusting.

Pressure is okay. Sharp pain means stop.

Pressure, or feeling like you need to poop or pee, is common early on. Your body is still learning a new sensation.

Sharp or burning pain is different. Stop, add lube, and go back a step. Don't push through it. Some days you'll get further than others.

A burning irritation that lingers for 15 minutes or so after you've removed the penis or toy is likely a problem with your lube. Try one of my recommended lubes to see if it feels better. If burning or pain lasts for hours or days, see a doctor.

Talk with your top

Telling your top what you need makes it easier for your body to relax.

Before anything starts

Talk about these out loud, ideally while your clothes are still on:

  • You'll set the pace, at least at the beginning. A good top will encourage you to do this.
  • Signals for slow down and stop. Just saying "slow down" and "stop" works fine. Some people prefer colors: green for keep going, yellow for slow down, red for stop, or hand signals.
  • How much experience you have, and anything you're nervous about (like mess, or how long it might take to loosen up). A good top will be happy to take care of you. Besides, they'll likely get to play with your ass longer if they spend time helping you relax.
  • Your safer sex plan, like when you each last tested, and whether or not you prefer condoms.

A few lines you can borrow:

  • "Let's start slow to open me up. I'll tell you when I'm ready for more."
  • "I don't have a lot of experience yet. How will you feel if we don't make it all the way tonight?"

A good top will be glad you spoke up.

Signals that don't need words

Talking mid-sex can be hard, especially face down or while you're breathing through a stretch. Agree on a couple of signals ahead of time:

  • A hand on their hip or thigh means slow down or hold still.
  • Two taps anywhere means stop.

Tell them what to watch for, too. If you go quiet or hold your breath, that's their cue to pause and check in.

During

Short phrases like "slower" or "give me a second" are plenty. You don't owe them an explanation.

Tell them what's working, too. "That feels good, keep doing that" is just as useful to your top as any correction.

Saying stop doesn't ruin anything. You can pause or stop at any point, even once they're in, even if you said yes a minute ago.

Afterward

Once you've both caught your breath, talk about what felt good and what you'd like to try next time.

If they don't listen

If someone ignores a stop or keeps pushing after you've asked them to slow down, that's a big red flag. If it happens more than once end it right there.

Safety and aftercare

Safer sex

  • Condoms lower the risk of most STIs. If you're HIV negative, ask a provider about PrEP, and about doxyPEP, which can lower the risk of some bacterial STIs.
  • When you get tested, ask for a rectal swab. A urine test can't catch an infection in your butt, and most rectal chlamydia and gonorrhea gets missed without one.
  • Clean toys after every use, and put a fresh condom on any toy you share.
  • If you use poppers, never combine them with erection meds like Viagra or Cialis. Together they can drop your blood pressure to deadly levels.
  • Check for drug interactions that can be risky or deadly.

Aftercare

For your nervous system: take a few minutes before you jump up. Cuddle or lie there for a bit. Then notice what felt good and what you'd change.

For your body: rinse the outside gently with warm water and drink some water.

When to see a doctor

Get checked if you have bleeding that doesn't stop or keeps coming back, severe pain, a fever, or pain that sticks around after sex. If you have hemorrhoids, IBD, or recent surgery down there, talk to a doctor before you start training.

Your bottoming checklist

Screenshot this part.

Days before

The hour before

Set up

5 minutes before

During

After

Get the rest of the guide for free

Here's what you'll see:

  • The best stretching technique
  • Five easy steps to help your butthole relax and open
  • Which lube to use (and which can cause pain)
  • What to talk with your top about before anything starts
  • Safety and aftercare
  • When to see a doctor
  • The complete bottoming checklist

and more

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One more thing

If your body keeps bracing no matter what you try, nothing is wrong with you. Often your nervous system is reacting to something from your past, like a rough first time or years of hearing that this part of you is dirty. I can help you with that, you don't have to sort it out alone.

See how coaching with me works

Curious about the patterns behind how you show up in bed? Take my intimacy quiz: https://heyalexgay.com/intimacy-type-quiz

Talk soon, Alex

This guide is for education only, not medical advice. Everyone's body is different. If something hurts or worries you, talk to a doctor. LGBTQ+ Healthcare Directory

Sources